This is how I correct your submited IELTS Essay
15 May 2020
Topic: Some people argue that the employer should not worry about the way their employees wear clothes. However, other DISAGREE?
To what extent do you agree or disagree? BY TRA CO DUONG
Over the past decades, the dress culture in the working environment has become an area of focus to the general public and sparks controversies. While some people are supportive of the idea that the employer should not standardize dress-code and SHOULD allow their workers to dress clothes freely, in my opinion, the designating uniform is beneficial, crucial for the following reasons.
Firstly, it is noteworthy that albeit invisibly, the company uniform can strengthen the solidarity in groups, OR clusters. Nowadays, many behaviour studies have shown that the quality of work outcomes could be profoundly influenced by the difference in the personal taste of fashion. Therefore, eliminating intangible barriers in interpersonal interaction is highly recommended to employ dress-code. Korea and India could be cited as good examples; the social classification in conservative cultures in these countries are believed to influence communication significantly in team works. This example demonstrates that in the effort to make all workers as plain as others, the uniform should be compulsory for the unity of teamwork.
Secondly, another benefit that should be taken into account is that the office uniform could increase the company's brand identity. Statistics have proved that the target consumer trends tend to be memorable and impressed by brands having employee's uniforms; most of the factors could impact on their purchasing decision, which is formed from fixed clothes. For example, Massan is one of the largest fast-moving-consumer-good companies in Vietnam, announcing that sales of employees wearing uniforms are nearly 50% higher than those using clothes freely.
In conclusion, under no circumstances should business owners deny applying to apply dress-code in the working environment for the reasons mentioned above.
MY RECOMMENDATIONS AND REMARKS.
I was taken aback with your writing skills, especially the intro today; it is clear, short - precise, much better than the previous one.
However, the way you write your intro should fit the prompt " do you agree or disagree", not quite the required "to what extent.."
Let me remind you of this:
When you write the "do you agree or disagree" ESSAYS, you don't care about others' ideas. You just have to convince the readers of your arguments. This is what you have done with the essay.
The layout typically looks like this
Body 1: the 1st reason is that...blah blah
Body 2: the second reason is that blah blah
Again, this is exactly what you have done!!!
"To what extent" ESSAYS allows you a broader range to answer.
You can 100% agree or disagree ⇒
in this case, your above writing is correct, but you have to add the degree of your agreement or disagreement. ( totally, completely, absolutely) Did YOU get ME HERE, TRA?
You can quite agree or disagree (90%), in this case, you can present
the opposite side' 's opinion, then you refuse it firmly.
in conclusion, you re-confirm your sides.
you can use the structure " On the one hand, on the other hand."
the keywords here in this essay is" employees wearing uniforms and casual clothes.
So, it is important to be flexible to use proper alternatives for these, such as
EMPLOYEES IN UNIFORMS,
Sales associates IN UNIFORMS
CASUAL WEAR EMPLOYEES
EMPLOYEES WITH CASUAL WEAR
THIS ESSAY IS WAY MUCH BETTER THAN THE PREVIOUS, BUT STILL, NEED IMPROVEMENTS.
You have improved the mistakes of" The" - fewer can be found today.
You have written a much shorter essay (276 words) I appreciate that
You have organized proper bodies.
The intro should be tuned up/ twisted a bit more to suit the type of To what extent…
The repeated phrase" employees with uniforms" should be varied.
the conclusion should be lengthened a bit more, by paraphrasing the main ideas, rather than” FOR the reasons above."
MOST IMPORTANTLY, you have overused long complexed sentences. Please note that a couple of them here and there can add variety to the overall tone, but too much of them will backfire on your sentence clarity.
Remember to write CLEAR! BELIEVE ME; YOU CAN EVEN GET 7.0 IF YOU CAN CLEARLY COMMUNICATE YOUR INTENTIONS.
MY ESTIMATED SCORE FOR THIS WORK IS ABOUT 5.5 OR 6.0
Please update your writing with my suggestions and re-submit it for further consideration.
Best of Luck.